I stare across the dark, cool and grimy room. It’s damp, empty and grey. It’s a basement, maybe a prison? I see only a wall and a woman. This woman is barely a woman. She’s a disheveled mess in a hospital gown, hideous. Her hair is dark and wild, her skin worn and malnourished. Her eyes sink. She’s huddled up against the wall, expressionless. I’m screaming at her, over and over again. The force of my scream blasts her against the wall.
“WHERE IS IT ?!?!?!?”…
Several rounds pass. With a devious grin, she raises her arms and pushes the wall tile above and behind her. The tile gives way, like a trap door. She floats upward and away…
Inner Saboteur
I’ve been attempting to piece together the dream above for several months. Both characters represent portions of myself. While there is a case for various symbols, I think the disheveled feminine character represents an element of my inner saboteur. This is a part of myself that seems to revel in foiling the best of my intentions at the worst possible time. Prisons, hospital gowns, hideous… that’s how I view this part of myself.
“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do” - Romans 7:15
Mother Complex
Robert Johnson’s He1 illustrates 6 basic relationships a man bears to the feminine world, one of which is the Mother Complex. It is a regressive capacity within a man which hopes to return to dependency on mother and be a child again. This is a man’s wish to fail, “pure poison”, according to Johnson. This is analogous to the inner saboteur.
All 6 relationships are useful. Trouble presents when the function of one is channelled toward another. For instance, mixing your human mother (also one of the six) with your mother complex may cause you to place unfair blame upon your physical mother for actions you are responsible for. This jumbling is also at the heart of the fallacy of romantic love2 . Here a man projects the function of his soul (anima in Jungian terms, an internal relationship) upon his external partner, leading to delusional expectations no human is capable of meeting.
Developing proper orientation with one’s mother complex can be difficult. In the Grail Castle Myth, it takes Parsifal, a renowned knight, 20 years to remove his mother’s homespun garment, which lies underneath his mighty armor. He cannot heal the Fisher King until his mother complex is addressed. There are no shortcuts.
Explicit
It turns out if your name is Robert, you are predisposed to offer profound psychological insight. Robert Masters3, details the inner saboteur explicitly, rather than through myth.
Change is scary and destabilizing, particularly for more tender portions of ourselves. By successfully failing at a task we know is right for us, we stay small and avoid venturing into the unknown.
The key insight is that the saboteur is not some sort of bug, but instead is a part of you getting exactly what it wants.
How do we work with this rebellious aspect of ourselves? It is immune to pep talks and persuasion. Trying harder is not the answer.
I’ve long wished to kill, starve or extinguish this part of myself. Rather than casting it away, Masters suggests staring deeply at it, understanding what it’s calling out for.
“What’s self-sabotage for the adult is self-survival for the child” - Robert Masters
Divided Kingdoms
Master’s describes self-sabotage as 34 coalescing forces that create a divided kingdom.
Neglect of core needs (inner child’s core needs) such as being loved, seen and heard.
Override of the neglect with what we should be doing
Rationalizing the sabotaging behavior.
These forces present in many forms. A common example would be superposing an extreme diet (2) on top of a core need to be seen and loved for who we are (1). Eventually the rationalization that I deserve a break, I’ll get back on track tomorrow is likely to manifest and decide the ongoing tug of war.
We must follow Parsifal’s path and handle mother’s homespun garment underneath before the armor we accumulate can operate as intended. That may be simple concept, but it is far from easy. It takes Parsifal 20 years to do it!
The saboteur has a functional role in the sense that it may shed light on what’s being ignored, our original pain. Unfortunately, us perfectionists tend to beat ourselves up for not trying hard enough when we fall short, perpetuating a recurrence of this cycle5.
Chronic Pain - Salvation
Working with chronic pain, persistent pain with no clear cause, is a long and progressive journey. One must fluidly harness multiple instruments in the symphony such as sleep quality, nutrition, movement, fitness and psychology. Should you find yourself spinning in the cyclone of self-sabotage, compounding interest of the above factors cannot compound. The ripples cannot merge into a wave that will carry you to shore. Trying harder or doing better next time is not a solution, it is madness.
While Masters provides a comprehensive description of working with the inner saboteur, adopting the frame that it is getting what it wants as opposed to falling short is critical.
Returning to my dream and perhaps your journey, my disheveled, imprisoned saboteur hasn’t been treated with value or care. This rebellious and wounded child is a part of myself I’ve plotted to outgrow or more accurately kill for sometime.
I think the answer to this paradox lies in taking this part of myself out of the dungeon and offering it an esteemed seat at the table. The word salvation, Hebrew for to come home, comes to mind.
I’m positive that the saboteur inside of me is not a gruesome prisoner. I look forward to seeing what it truly is…
Johnson, R. A. (1991). He: Understanding masculine psychology. HarperSanFrancisco.
Johnson, R. A. (1983). We: Understanding the psychology of romantic love. Harper & Row Publishers.
Masters, R. A. (2018). Bringing your shadow out of the dark: Breaking free from the hidden forces that drive you. Sounds True.
3 is typically a symbol of incompleteness in mythology.
Robert Master’s provides far more comprehensive advice on understanding and managing your inner saboteur in Bringing your shadow out of the dark: Breaking free from the hidden forces that drive you. I am only scratching the surface.